Pregnancy Comments

Just a small collection of things that strangers (or acquaintances) have said to me that made me think "really? did that just happen?" Don't read them too fast, let the awkwardness settle before moving to the next one.

Middle Aged Man Outside Hotel: "Looks like you got bit by the peter poison."

Old Man in a Gas Station: "Looks like someone dropped the soap 1 too many times."

Conversation Between Old Men in Front of Me:
Old Man 1: "Watch out, don't run over a pregnant lady"
Old Man 2: "She's pregnant?"
Old Man 1: "Well, yes."
Old Man 2: "It wasn't me."

Middle Aged Man at Church: "Looks like someone had too many bon-bons" (and pats my stomach)

Conversation with Middle Aged Man at Church:
Him: "You're pregnant?!"
Me: "Umm, yep."
Him: "I guess it's been a while since I've seen you. But yeah, I can see it in your face now."

Conversation with My Mom:
Me: "Mom! Look at my ankles!"
My Mom: "What ankles?"

Some "terms of endearment" I've received from people closer to me are:
-Wide Load
-Butterpants
-Waddle Woman
-Fatty Patty
(good thing I have a sense of humor)

Lastly, and this is one of my favorites. This is what someone said about me when I wasn't around:
Girl #1: "Is Alicia pregnant?"
Girl #2: "Yeah, why?"
Girl #1: "Ok good because I know they say that you tend to 'let yourself go' after you get married, but dang, Alicia is really putting on some weight."

Hope you enjoyed these :)

Baby Mama's Latest News

Latest pregnancy updates. Oh where to begin. Let’s start with my bathroom-cleaning story. So I was taking a shower recently at about 9pm and I decided that when I was done, I had to immediately clean the bathroom. I’ve heard about those crazy nesting women- and now I’m one of them. What’s funny is that I hate cleaning the bathroom! But no one was coming between me and my Fantastik that night. Barry came in when I was about halfway done and FREAKED at the cleaning supplies smells saying I shouldn’t be inhaling it. Oops!

Next – the glucose test. If you don’t know, this is how it works. When you’re 28 weeks preggo, you have to drink this ultra-sugary drink and then wait an hour. They then draw your blood to see how your body processed the sugar. This is all to determine whether or not you have gestational diabetes. Well – I failed. My sugar was too high, which means I had to take a more extensive test. Now, think about that one thing that gives you the heebie-jeebies. Maybe it’s snakes? Spiders? Heights? Well, mine is needles! I hate them and they make me want to puke when I think about inserting one in me. (Yes I understand the irony that I’m terrified of needles and I’m going to be pushing a bowling ball through a straw at the end of this) Anyway, I got scheduled to go back a few days later for the long test. For this one, I had to fast beforehand- aka don’t eat when you wake up until the test is over. So they drew my blood at 8:30am, then waited 45 minutes, then drank more sugary drink, then waited an hour, then drew my blood, then waited an hour, then drew my blood, then waited an hour, and then they drew my blood for the final time. Yikes! An hour later, I see a doc about the results. She walks in the room and says, “You passed! It must have been a false positive last time.” While I was ecstatic I’m not diabetic I wanted to scream, “Really? False positive? Why don’t you tell that to the connect-the-dots game you people played on my veins today!” Sheesh!

Now for my latest consignment finds! I went to a city-wide consignment sale about 10 days ago and it was AWESOME! I would have spent some serious money if I knew what kind of anatomy this kid has. However, I got a $150 pack-n-play for $30! I also got a $300 Medela electric breast pump for $75 with all the accessories! Then I got a brand new activity play mat for $5! Lastly, I got two onesies and a maternity sweater for a total of $6. I walked out of there feeling quite accomplished! Thank you Jesus for great bargains!

My last update for today - I've gained 22 pounds. I don't care if it's for a good reason, surely no woman can be happy seeing that scale number grow to heights its never reached before. I've also been told that I'll gain an average of a pound a week from now till the end- yippee! 

At the risk of making this post too long: I'll save my topics of childbirth class, registry, and the baby kicking for the next post! Not to mention I'm collecting a list of all the inappropriate things that have been said to me by strangers thus far. Stay tuned.

Stats:
*Baking Time: 29.5 Weeks
*MIA: Unstretched skin
*Cravings: Chips & Queso!
*Aversions: Carrots
*Worst symptom: Random shooting pains in my abdominal region.

*Lessons Learned: DO NOT LAY DOWN AFTER EATING. Boy, that was a painful lesson.

Top 10 Things No One Warns You About

I want you to know, I tried really hard to stay away from the cliche pregnancy symptoms like "you'll gain weight, you'll get sick, you'll eat pickles." etc... While those things can be quite true, I hope you'll find this list a little more enlightening to the things that people don't warn you about.


10. You get hairier.  Yep, it's true. I won't discuss where. But it would have been nice if someone mentioned that so I didn't wonder if I was baking a human or a werewolf.

9. Your existing weight moves around. I hadn't gained a pound and yet my pants were MUCH tighter. Some might argue my hips were big enough- apparently the Lord doesn't think so. Barry says he's going to buy me a "wide load" sign for my rear end (you should hear his sound effects of me walking).

8. If you're sick, everyone else wants to tell you how they never got sick. How does this make sense? They ask if I've been sick, they get an honest answer (we all remember the rice situation) and then they proceed to tell me how they didn't throw up once. Really? That's great, now I need to run to the bathroom and see the pretzels I just ate in reverse. See ya later!

7. You develop a super smeller. I had no idea that my nose would be quite so attentive during this process. I almost tossed all my cookies and then some walking through Wal Mart just because of the mixture of smells. They say that when one sense is blocked, the others are heightened. I'm going to assume that my blocked sense is bladder control (yes I know it's not one of the 5 senses, but really, it's an issue).

6. You stink. That's right. I won't even address the sweating or the odors it produces. I'm talking about real, raunchy, and unfortunate.... g a s. Growing up with brothers, I've smelled my share of scents that should never come out of a human. Now- I'm one of them. They may not always be loud and obnoxious- but they'll knock you out. Poor Barry - but I mean, he was an... um.. active participant in this whole state of affairs.

5. You get winded easier. I don't mean when you're exercising, I mean just living everyday life. Apparently once you get to a certain point the baby is on your lungs and you start sounding like the big bad wolf from the 3 little pigs. It doesn't take much to make this mama huff and puff these days.

4. The tears. Oh the tears. We've all heard about pregnancy hormones and mood swings. Well, being someone who is already fairly sassy (shocking I know), I had wondered how these hormones would affect me. Well the good Lord found a way. Crying. I'm not a big cryer, I don't like it. I avoid all things sentimental and emotional and have this giant, well built, steel wall around my heart (it's lucky I got anyone to marry me). For Barry, whose wife rarely cries, this symptom has been pretty shocking - he looks like a deer in headlights, and of course tries to fix it. We won't go into that.

3. Normal working digestive system - out the window. I never had any trouble with, ahem, bathroom happenings or belching or heartburn or indigestion or anything. I now realize I took a normal working body for granted. A good burp is like a golden ticket these days. They say if you have indigestion that your kid will be hairy- if that's the case, I might actually be growing a werewolf. The bathroom? Let's just say that if you have everything in working order- thank the Lord.

2. It hurts to crack your back. Now for some, this may not be an issue. I am the one who cracks her back at least 4-5 times a day. And it cracks from top to bottom- it's a glorious feeling, really. The best is the first crack in the morning and the last crack at night. Ahh, those were the days. I can't even turn too fast without feeling like I pulled a tendon or popped a ligament, let alone crack my back. I can't wait for my first, post pregnancy back crack - it's going to be so great.

1. You will get asked the most personal of questions. Now I'm not really a big boundaries person, I just put it all out on the table pretty much all of the time. I don't mind talking about the things that make others blush (could you tell?).  But that people (you don't know well) ask if you were trying? Really? Ok, why don't you tell me about your contraceptives, your ovulation cycle, and your sex positions and then I'll tell you whether or not we intended to procreate. Thanks, have a great day.


Stats:
*Baking Time: 25.5 Weeks
*MIA: Ankles
*Cravings: Ice cream, cake, chocolate- just give it!
*Aversions: Acidic drinks.
*Worst symptom: It hurts when I sneeze.

*Lessons Learned: Standing in one place too long makes me feel like I'm going to pass out.

The Day We Found Out...

I like to reflect on the day we found out my eggo was preggo quite often. It's fun to remember the details of the day that changed your emotions, your priorities, your budget..... your life. So here I'll document it- both for your curiosity and for my memory until pregnancy brain is full force. You know how when you're little and you ask your mom how you're supposed to know when you find "the one"? And the response is always "you just know." Well I had heard the same thing about being pregnant- that some women "just know" before taking a test. That never made sense to me. I now admit that since I've lived it- I get it. I just knew.

I had suspected I was pregnant for about a week before my next anticipated period. I thought maybe I was just crazy or I was making too much of nothing - I told myself every line in the book to prepare myself that Aunt Flo was coming on Saturday just as planned. The closer I got to Saturday, the more I knew that she wasn't coming this month. I guess the Lord has blessed me with a predictable body (pre-pregnancy that is) and my monthly indicators weren't happening. That Friday night about 9:30 p.m., I told Barry we had to go to the store to get pregnancy tests. I wanted to test on Saturday morning - I couldn't wait any longer and I didn't want to test on a day that I had to go to work or church right after- regardless of the outcome. He reluctantly took me to the store- telling me I probably wasn't pregnant and that I was making symptoms up out of thin air (not to be a jerk; really just to keep me outta the clouds). So there we are- what test do we get? On brand? Off brand? Pack of 2? Pack of 3? Buy out the store? All the while thinking that these were awfully outrageous prices for a stick that I was going to cover in urine. I'm contemplating this decision like Barry would contemplate what kind of car to buy, except he's standing there wanting to punch me in the face for taking so long - After all, we were near 'feminine things.'  So finally I choose some and check out. 

Saturday Morning. At this point in our marriage, I could count on one hand how many times I had ever been awake before Barry - this day was one of those days. I woke up thinking "Oh my gosh, is it already Saturday? This is it. The moment of truth. Am I crazy? Is there a baby in there? I'm scared. What if I'm disappointed? What if Barry is disappointed? What if one of us is relieved and the other disappointed? What if I don't pee on it right and I get the opposite outcome of what I am? OH MY GOSH ALICIA JUST GET OUT OF BED AND PEE ON IT ALREADY." So I got up, Barry awoke because of the creaky box spring and just laid there. I went in the bathroom and I had everything ready- the directions open and laid out, the test, the stopwatch- I was ready. Well then I couldn't get the stinkin test open. They seal them in these foil package things I swear NASA invented for spacesuits. Not to mention it's morning, my fingers weren't strong yet (like when you can't squeeze the shampoo bottle in the morning cause your hands aren't awake enough - or maybe that's just me). So I take the test to Barry with my best pitiful face on. He laughs at me and opens it. So I go back in, do the deed, and then.......wait. That's right- the longest 2 minutes of my life. So I laid the directions over it so I don't peek at the window. Barry gets up and we brush our teeth - I decided that would make the time go by faster. I bet my teeth have never been brushed so good than that morning. Two minutes are up. Barry stands by the counter and waits. I pick up the test and see that positive sign. My jaw drops. I put my hand over my mouth and show the test to Barry. His eyes get real wide. He looks at me and says "What the h*#^ does that mean?!" I had to do my best to not channel my inner Bill Engvall and say 'here's your sign.' So I respond "Positive! Pro baby!" To which Barry responds "Take another one." Unfortunately for him, I used all my goods on that first one so he was going to have to wait a few hours for round two. 

We had zero plans for that Saturday. We mostly sat on the couch staring into space, trying to let it sink in. I took the 2nd test a few hours later. I left the room without saying anything and when I came back, I peeked my head around the corner and I'm not sure what face I made but Barry said "it was positive wasn't it" to which I nodded, and he replied "Ok, here we go." The rest of that day felt like a week. We just couldn't believe it. Barry went out and got some sparkling grape juice and we toasted that night. I wanted to call everyone I knew. I'm so glad I didn't. Barry and I experienced something so cool over the next few weeks of being the only ones that knew (though apparently others had their suspicions). It was so neat to share such a huge secret with my best friend and no one else. I love that we found out together. I love that I didn't have to share that shocking moment alone. I love that he knew right when I did - after all - we're a team.

Enjoy these pictures from that chilly, life changing, March morning.

Stats:
*Baking Time: 24 Weeks
*MIA: Clear skin
*Cravings: Sweet Tea
*Aversions: Hamburger Helper
*Worst symptom: Acne/Swollen feet

*Lessons Learned: Drink more water.

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!

Gender, that is - get your mind out of the gutter! Just a preemptive response to many of your questions - we are not finding out the sex until this alien baby is air breathing. Yes I know, half of you think I'm crazy and half of you think this is the only way to go about it. I thought having the ultrasound would really send me into crazy mode not knowing - turns out that once you truly relinquish control over something, you don't really want it back cause it's freeing. I'm just as Type A as any other control freak but it's really kinda fun not knowing. Plus, I'm so stinking practical (just ask my husband who used to buy me sentimental presents and now realizes I'd much rather have something I can use) SO- not knowing the gender means everything I buy and receive will be gender neutral and therefore will last through more children, SCORE!

Ok so now the details about the ultrasound - holy awesome batman- those are so cool! We sat in this little tiny room with a lot of big equipment. I laid back, they put gel on my newly developed midsection pudge (ps. the gel was HOT, they should warn people of that) and off we went! It was about 35 of the coolest minutes ever. I haven't felt the baby move yet so seeing it move was out of this world awesome. Luckily the baby was not spread eagle or anything so when the tech checked the gender, we just looked away.  Sadly we won't have another ultrasound unless it's medically necessary so it's a good thing this last one went so well!

Now I know you might be checking this blog for similar humor that you found in my last post- I'm sorry to say I've only had one upchucking episode since that post (but really, I'm not sorry to say that). However I've added a new location to my list of puking scenes - the Baltimore airport! I went to visit my dad for Father's Day and while we were waiting for my luggage, I quickly (and gracefully of course) made my way to the bathroom. Let's just say that I was literally 2 seconds away from making that clean up crew hate me and their jobs. Now for the other significant pregnancy event that happened in Baltimore- I blacked out for the first time in my life. My dad and I were leaving for a segway tour (those 2 wheeled thingy's you ride standing up) through the Inner Harbor downtown. We were on a street corner waiting for a light to change and apparently I was dehydrated, so that combined with the heat and ya know, growing a child inside me, I passed out. I don't remember what happened but my dad says I fell backward onto these planter things and then he caught me before I hit the ground. It was a very weird feeling and really scared me so we obviously didn't go on with the tour. This also led to my dad asking me every 10 minutes if I was OK for the next 24 hours that I was with him. Poor guy, I scared him to death - a dad thing I suppose. I got lectured from him and Barry about staying hydrated - sheesh - it's like they love me or something :) Ps. I was doctor approved to go on the tour so I wasn't being completely negligent, in case you were judging me :-P

Now that I've completely bored you to death, I'm almost done! Since my last post, some might say that I've "popped." I guess it's true. Those of you who see me on a regular basis probably aren't believing this because I'm not really accentuating this baby bump that I call a beer belly. One day I'll embrace all these changes - maybe once I can feel this mango kick!

Stats:
*Baking Time: 19.5 Weeks
*MIA: Size 6 waist
*Cravings: Pecan Wheels
*Aversions: Rice (this might be life long now)
*Worst symptom: Peeing all the time
*Lessons Learned: I'm pregnant not fat, I'm pregnant not fat, I'm pregnant not fat.

This is Quite the Story...

WARNING: If you have a sensitive gag reflex - do not read this post. Now, while this story depicts something quite miserable and embarrassing, I really think everyone else might find amusement in it. So I didn't feel so hot when I got home from work today. I was hungry but nothing sounded good and I was exhausted from being up since 6am (ps if you know me, it's rare for me to be awake when the time starts with an 8, let alone a 6). So I assumed my usual bump on a log position on the couch while Barry made dinner- a Howson ritual these days. So anyway, I wasn't feeling good but tried to eat some rice so I wouldn't get sick. About 6 bites in, I put it down because it wasn't going too well. Now here comes the good part. I dry heave- and it turns out its not so dry. So I'm running to bathroom puking in my hands (literally) and I barely make it to the bathroom door and I projectile all over the bathroom. So much so that I slide barefoot in my own puke to get in front of the toilet.  Ridiculous. Thank goodness my hair was up because with my hands covered in puke they were unavailable to hold it back. Barry runs to the bathroom and in between heavings I'm yelling "Don't come in here! It's all over the floor!" So what does he do? He leaves me puking and goes to get a mop, bucket, rags, and bathroom cleaner stuff. So I finish my business and I stand up to survey the damage. Wow. I have literally covered the floor, the toilet seat, behind the toilet, and the wall next to the toilet. So while I'm standing there (in it) looking at a bathroom painted with fresh rice and a blue popsicle- I start crying. Barry is standing at the doorway, mop in hand and rubber gloves on and I'm standing in puke crying like an irrational pregnant woman. What's so funny is I wouldn't even let him come in and console me because of the mess on the floor and I couldn't walk out cause my feet are covered in my own regurgitation. So he gets on his knees and wets a rag and wipes my feet off (like Jesus, he says) so I can go clean the vomit chunks off of their landing stations on myself. Yikes. I can't wait to tell this little avocado about the adventures he/she got me into.

On a less gross note - I have scored some major garage sale deals on baby/maternity stuff! I've gotten a boppy, baby bath tub, changing pad, 2 baby blankets, about 30 baby outfits/onesies, 5 maternity shirts, 2 maternity dresses, and 6 pairs of baby socks for $50 total. Man I'm so pumped because the actual having of this child is way more expensive than we thought it would be so it's nice to save some money.

Update on the baby - I'm 16 weeks today and apparently this kid can now pick up my voice. Also, its eyebrows, lashes, and hair are starting to fill in. And taste buds are forming. (After the above story- it's evident it doesn't like rice) We'll be seeing this action on our first ultrasound 2 weeks from tomorrow.

Stats:
*Baking Time: 16 Weeks
*MIA: Cravings
*Cravings: Nothing ever sounds good.
*Aversions: Almost everything
*Worst symptom: None of my clothes fit.
*Lessons Learned: I now have sensitive lactose intolerance..
 

Oh the joys...

Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve written. Frankly the only reason is that I feel so terrible at night that I don’t want to do anything but lay on the couch. But who wants to hear about that-now for a few more interesting updates… Let me take you back to a glorious time-- a time where I could buy dresses from Target in size 2. A time where pants and shorts were held up by buttons not rubberbands. A time where it didn’t take 20 minutes just to find something that fits. Ahhh, those were the days. I’ve gained 4 pounds in the last 4 weeks, though I’m not sure my hips would believe that. While it’s only 4 pounds- I’m convinced that what I already had is relocating itself. I mean there are literal inches between the button and hole on my pants. Is this normal at 14 weeks? Which brings me to the next issue – maternity clothes. Why must they be so expensive? Probably because they know you can’t avoid it forever. I think “them” and gas companies are sharing secrets.

Next: the heartbeat. We heard it. It was weird and swooshy. I thought it would make this whole thing more real and while it did a little bit- I still don’t think it’s hit me that I’m growing a person inside me that I have to push out through a not so big hole and then I’m responsible for it. Like making sure it eats and breathes and stuff. More details on the reality of pregnancy later. The heartbeat was 155. The lady said if it was between 120-170 then we’re good. Then someone told me that a fast heartbeat means it’s a girl. Barry almost spit out his food at dinner when I told him that. I guess only time will tell. 

Stats:
*Baking Time: 14 Weeks
*MIA: Clothes that fit.
*Cravings: Sausage biscuits and Olive Garden
*Aversions: Fried chicken
*Worst symptom: Nighttime nausea.
*Lessons Learned: Don't drink Dr. Pepper at all.