This Is So Embarrassing...

This is so embarrassing to admit out loud. The only reason I am is because I hope that it helps another mama out there feel not so alone. I wish I found someone else who admitted this so I didn't feel like such a terrible mom. I'm also only sharing it because my kids will never know (you're sworn to secrecy, reader, or I will punch you in the kidney).

I had a glamorous first child experience. She slept when I wanted her to sleep, ate when I wanted her to eat, wore what I wanted her to wear, and giggled when I tickled her. Basically- she was the perfect child for a control freak like me. Of course we had bad days- teething cries, fevers, shots, don't want to drink from a cup, won't eat anything but cheerios, screams when you leave the room, etc... These are all normal baby behavior. However, these were like 10% of who my daughter is (and that's being generous). She's cute and easy to love because she's easy to handle. She started sleeping in 11 hour night stretches at 11 weeks old - which is heaven for this mama who LOVES her sleep (loves=needs 9-10 hours to be pleasant).

I am a big schedule mom- I use the Babywise method. I sacrificed going many places so my kid could sleep in her crib for both her naps every day. I sacrificed going places while she was awake because I wanted her to be able to crawl/run around and play with her toys instead of being strapped in a car seat between naps. [I know not everyone agrees with that but it was our parenting decision and we don't regret it] Well, right when she was finally at a really flexible age- like skipping a nap here or there or going to bed late since we were out, etc... her brother came along and rocked my world.

Everett was not an easy baby- at all -for the first 5 months. He cried incessantly, never napped well, and worst of all- was the absolute spawn of satan in the middle of the night (remember I said I need 9-10 hours or I want to die). Now, I'm a realistic person. I'm sure Everett behaved better than many babies out there. I'm not playing into this mom-competition (or, mompetition) phenomenon where I'm claiming my-child-is-worse-than-yours-so-you-should-feel-bad-for-me-and-grateful-for-yours. All I'm saying is I had a difficult time adjusting to a more difficult baby than my first child.

This led to feelings of resenting Everett (remember- your kidney). I missed time as just a family of 3. I hated that the kids were so close together that I hadn't had enough time to just focus on Joelie. Ya know, a child's world opens up when they start walking and they just start advancing so much every day. I had Everett a mere 6 weeks after Joelie started walking. I was missing out on so much with her because I was constantly tending to him. I feel like I can't challenge her and teach her how I want to because I'm back at the beginning with a baby who can't do anything for themselves.

Everyone says you shouldn't have a favorite child- but let me be one of the few to admit that that is very difficult at this stage. Joelie is SO MUCH fun. She walks, talks, hugs, kisses, pats my back, runs to me, says she loves me. And then there's Everett, crying crying crying. Yes, I've liked Joelie more for the bulk of Everett's short life. If that makes me a bad person, then so be it. I'm nothing if not honest.

And then it happened. Magic. We changed Everett's formula! After trying 5 (yes 5) other things to help him, changing his formula did the trick. He started sleeping through the night- 11 hours. He's napping better, crying less, and just a much happier baby. This started happening right around the same time he was really rolling more, playing in his jumper, etc... aka- not just a blob. He gets so excited when I come in his room to get him. He smiles and kicks up a storm. He absolutely cracks up anytime Joelie is playing near him. He thinks his dad is the bees knees (what does that even mean?).

Of course he's not the perfect baby, and still fussier than Joelie, but that's ok. He's my son and I adore him (I've always loved him, just didn't like him very much sometimes). I'm so excited that he and Joelie are close in age and think they'll have so much fun growing up together. It's taken me almost 6 months to really embrace the stay-at-home life of having 2 under 2. It's exhausting and often not rewarding- but we do feel this is what's best for our family.

I know how extremely lucky I am to have children at all, and to have 2 healthy ones. I certainly do not want to sound ungrateful. I am just a real mom who is trying to adjust to a more difficult baby, not working outside the home, and having kids so close together. I feel like such a terrible mom for my previous attitude toward Everett. I hope I'm not alone in these transition feelings from 1-2 kids, but if I am, oh well- sue me.

Wow- didn't realize I had rambled on for so long. Sorry about that! To compensate you for your time here's a picture of my one and only, chubba -bubba :)

Everett's Birth Story

It all started last May when...... just kidding :)

Everett's arrival was all up in the air (aren't they all?). The farther along in my pregnancy I became, the more doctors were unsure of my actual due date.  I really wanted to have a vaginal delivery this time but I was SO miserable toward the end. I scheduled a C-section for 3 days after my first due date. About 2 weeks before that, the doctor said she thought I was measuring small so she sent me for an ultrasound (this was deja vu from my first pregnancy). That ultrasound showed that I might be due a week later than they thought. I pushed back my scheduled section another week - I really didn't want to get cut if I hadn't even hit my due date yet.

So it was Tuesday, February 19. I woke up at 5:12 a.m. from a contraction. I kept contracting about every 10 mins. I went downstairs to the couch so I wouldn't wake Barry until they were closer together. I contracted like that for about 2 hours. I finally called the doc and told her some things that were going on and she told me to go to labor & delivery. So I ate something (knowing they wouldn't let me once I got there) and we were off! But then my contractions pretty much stopped as soon as we walked into the hospital. Boo. So after getting violated by a few different doctors, doing a non-stress test, and having another ultrasound- they sent me home.

I contracted maybe 3 times an hour for the rest of the day until 7:30 p.m. I started contracting every 8-10 minutes. I couldn't sleep all night and kept contracting every 8-10 minutes until 4:45 a.m. (Meanwhile Barry was sleeping like a baby-ha!) They kept coming but weren't getting any closer together. I finally called the doctor at 4:45 a.m. and she said I could come in to labor & delivery and get checked. If I was dilated, they'd keep me. Or I could wait till 8 a.m. and go into the office and get checked. Well, after contracting steadily for 9 hours at home, I decided I was not going to wait till 8 a.m. to get checked. Because, in case you were wondering, contractions are NOT fun. So, again, I woke Barry up, ate something and off we went!

Much to my surprise, I was dilated to 3 centimeters! I was so terrified happy when they said they were going to admit me. At about 6:30 a.m. they asked me if I wanted an epidural. I said "I can have one already? I thought I had to be more dilated?" She said "Nope, you can if you want!" Hmm let me think about it, does a bear crap in the woods? OF COURSE I want the drugs! Well that was around shift change, so it ended up being around 8 a.m. before the anesthesiologist made it to my room. The nurses kept apologizing that I was having to wait, but I mean, after 9 hours without it- another hour wasn't going to kill me. (Sidenote- my nurses were amazing!)

After getting a spinal with Joelie, I wasn't that worried about getting an epidural (even though I'm terrified of needles). I just didn't look at the equipment and told the drug dealer anesthesiologist to not tell me anything he was doing. So he and the nurse started talking about their dogs (lol) while he was shooting me up. It was great because I was listening to their conversation and not thinking about that giant needle in my back. He said it would take about 20 minutes to take full effect. Well, about 45 minutes later, I was still feeling pretty much everything. The nurse called him back in and he was shocked I wasn't numb. He gave me some more - woo hoo! The nurse said "Man, you are on some serious amount of anesthesia!" It finally worked and all was right in the world!

I tried so hard to take a nap since I had been up since 5 a.m. the day before but I couldn't. My room was right next to the nurses' station which is a hoppin' place during the day. Well then, we were in the middle of selling one of our homes in TN so Barry had to go to the bank and take care of some things. He felt bad leaving me but I told him I was fine and was only dilated to 4 so we had time. So the day went on basically just waiting to dilate more and trying to rest.

However, every few hours, my epidural would completely wear off and we'd basically have to start all over with that. Everyone was shocked I wasn't staying numb but I wasn't surprised. If you remember, my spinal didn't take with Joelie either. But when it was working, it was fun for Barry to look at the screen and say "Whoa that was a huge contraction!" I couldn't feel it at all. An epidural is a beautiful thing! Now for the life-wrenching terrifying difficult fun part.

It was about 4:45 p.m. and the nurses/doctor said they were coming back in 15 minutes and I was going to start pushing. Well, lucky for me, this is exactly when my epidural started wearing off again. The nurse came back in about 5:10 and I told her and she said they weren't going to give me any more because I was so close and they didn't want to slow labor down. So I braced myself for having to deliver with almost all my feeling back. At 5:17 p.m., I started pushing.

Delivering was definitely not what I thought it was going to be. First of all, my feet were not up in stirrups (like on tv, ha). And the doctor wasn't even in there for probably the first half of me pushing. The baby was really starting to progress out and one nurse told the other nurse "you better call the doctor, she needs to get here" To which I replied "I hope you can catch because I'm having this baby whether the doctor is here or not!" And on we went, push-breathe-push-breath-push-breathe, water. I repeated that cycle until our little man finally emerged at 6:13 p.m.

They put him up on my chest and started wiping him off and Barry told me it was a boy! All I could think was "OMG IT'S A BOY!!!" and "OMG HE'S SO GROSS!!!" They announced his time of birth and I just laid there holding him while the doctor finished her business down in my business. Then I said "someone's gotta take him, I'm gonna puke!" One nurse grabbed the baby and another put a bowl next to my face and I yakked everywhere. Have you ever tried to puke laying down? It's virtually impossible to not get it all over yourself. So that was good times.

So they took his measurements, wrapped him up and handed him back. And they all lived happily ever after.

Dun, dun, dun...

February 1st. You know what that means? It means I'm officially in my baby's birth month. Do you know what that means? It means I'm anxious and huge! I am still working on my Master's degree - to be conferred in May. I'm trying to get a lot of my work done before the baby comes, though. I had planned to do almost all my remaining work during the month of January but then we decided to move so I spent all of January packing up our house. Yikes.

I have gained far less weight with this pregnancy than with Joelie, which I think has attributed greatly to my state of discomfort (33 total vs. 20 to date). Also, this baby is head down which I now know is FAR more uncomfortable than baby laying across you like Joelie was. Every time I stand up I think I'm going to pee myself or the baby is going to fall out right there. Oof!

So today I woke up and became very anxious about it all. I have 60 pages to write and two projects to complete. Granted it's all due by May, I can't help but know it will be much easier to write with only one baby than it will be with two. So if you have any extra motivation lying around - please send it my way! Having Joelie not so long ago, I remember how completely worthless I was for about 4-5 weeks. I am not looking forward to that again.

Also, I have scheduled a c-section a few days after the due date in the event that I haven't gone into labor by then. Doctors will not induce a vaginal birth after a woman has had a cesarean so my only options are to go into labor naturally or have surgery again. Today I found out that the earliest in the day they can have my surgery the week after my due date is 2 p.m. and I'm not allowed to eat after midnight the night before. Are you kidding me? Do you know how dangerous it is to tell a pregnant lady she can't eat ALL DAY?! Talk about cruel punishment! Not to mention I will have to literally twiddle my thumbs all day just waiting for them to cut my baby out - not cool.

So here's to hoping that I go into labor on my own some time in the next 2.5 weeks (due date is Feb 16). We've also ordered a crib and some diapers so hopefully those are here before the baby is! (oops) Praying for baby to come soon and for these papers to write themselves :) Better go pack a hospital bag...

Stats:
*Baking Time: 38 Weeks
*MIA: Comfort
*Cravings: Cookie dough ice cream
*Worst symptom: Big baby, little belly.

*Lessons Learned: Head-down babies make you have to pee a lot.

I Have A One Year Old...

(Disclaimer: Barry is just as responsible for Joelie's great first year - this is simply my personal reflection on motherhood).

Joelie turned one on November 3rd. ONE! I can't believe I'm the mother of a one year old. I can't believe I've had my life completely revolve around nap times and feeding schedules for 12 months now. I can't believe my daughter is so cute (yeah I'm biased). I can't believe how quick this year has gone and yet some days are eternal. I can't believe how big she is. I can't believe how long her hair is. I can't believe I've managed to keep her alive and healthy for a year. I still can't believe that this little tiny person depends on me for literally everything in her life. I can't believe God has chosen me to be her mom.

It's been a great year. And when I say great, I mean GREAT. Joelie has been on the same feeding and nap schedule for the past 10 months (knock on wood). She's content and happy pretty much all the time. I have been fortunate enough to stay home with her about 75% of the time which I have treasured. One of my favorite things about motherhood is lying in bed in the morning and listening to her babble in her crib and clap her hands.  

Those are the highs of the year. There have certainly been low points. Those low points actually just stem from my own selfishness or desire for instant gratification. Motherhood is definitely not for the weak at heart and it is certainly not always rainbows and butterflies. Of course she's had fussy days, had to get shots, refused a bottle, had a bad nights sleep, was gassy, thrown food, spilled things, pooped everywhere, peed on me, screamed when I left a room, kicked me, pulled my hair, whined incessantly, puked, etc... Some days just plain suck. Some days you watch out the window for dad to get home so you can just get out of the house without a baby.  Some days you just want life to be about you and your husband again. Some days you want to be able to pick up and go off for the weekend. Some days you don't want to get out of bed and be depended on all day long. I may be a terrible person for feeling this way but it's the truth (judge me if you must). Motherhood is all about giving. Everything you got. All the time. And when you don't have any left, they need you to give more.

And the funny thing is - it really is an honor. It really is all worth it when your child lights up when you come in the room. When they reach up to you and say "mama," all the frustrating days just seem insignificant. So to any new moms out there I say: It'll change your life. And it will suck and be glorious all at the same time. To any veteran moms out there: You were right - it is worth it.

I'm beyond grateful for my beautiful daughter and still completely amazed that she's an actual person who lived inside me and I now get to see grow every day.  I'm once again completely in awe of God's design.

Now for some fun pictures from Joelie's 1st Birthday Party, themed The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

It's Aliveeeeeeee!!!!!

I know the main reason you are reading this is to laugh at my misery. Sorry to disappoint! This post will be a little different.

We had our ultrasound for baby number two about 1.5 weeks ago. I meant to post then but being in STL for 6 days threw a wrench in that plan. Anyway, having an ultrasound never gets old - even with baby #2! He/She was so cute - resting its little hand on its knee and the other tucked up under its head like a pillow. It was so cool to sit there as a family of four watching our family grow before our eyes. Joelie was very well behaved, though she couldn't care less what was going on- ha. 

I was laying in bed this morning listening to Joelie babble on the monitor while my hand lay rested against the kicks and tugs of the baby inside. I have two kids. Two kids. TWO KIDS. This time last year I was quite rotund, growing anxious by the day for Joelie's arrival. (I'll save my nostalgic post about her for my one year birthday post, which is a mere 2.5 weeks away). And now here I am, thinking about how drastic my life is about to change- again. In case you were wondering, yes I am terrified about having kids 15 months apart. But I'm also pretty excited about it. Not so much for the beginning, but for when they're a little older. It's actually kind of easy to be excited and ignore the anxiety when this is clearly how God wanted our lives to be. 

After the ultrasound, they changed my due date by one day so now I'm due on Feb 16. They also said I may have ovulated a week late (which would explain how we got into this little situation). We haven't decided on baby names yet. Part of me was feeling guilty that I wasn't doing as many things to prepare for this little munchkin as we did for Joelie. But I came to the conclusion that it's just because I was probably so anxious of the unknown last time that I channeled that energy into preparing. This time, I know what's coming so it allows me to just relax and know I have plenty of time. I also didn't have an almost toddler last time- and we all know they suck the energy and brain cells right outta ya.

Here are a few pics from the ultrasound!

Stats:
*Baking Time: 22.5 Weeks
*MIA: Waistline
*Cravings: Chocolate chip cookies
*Worst symptom: Stretching my tendons too far- ouch!

*Lessons Learned: It's okay not to plan every detail.

Oops, I Did It Again...

That's right. I'm pregnant - again. If you don't know that, well, it'd be an awfully big coincidence you're reading this blog. Let's start with how this happened (not the good stuff; the finding out part- get your mind outta the gutter!) Aunt Flo was two days late in May and we were freaking out. We high-fived when she finally showed up. Then June rolls around and I was two days late again. I wasn't worried about it because I figured maybe my cycle was just lengthening itself (I don't even know if that really happens, but it made me feel better). Then came the third late day and I just knew. I was pregnant. Again. Barry didn't believe it. He went to the store and bought the almighty test. It was positive. However, the second line just wasn't "bold" enough for Barry to believe it - he said it was too faint, a false positive. I took a test a day for another week- still no Aunt Flo in sight. I knew I was but Barry wanted a bolder line. Finally- two weeks later - Barry accepted that I was, in fact, with child.

Cue- FREAKING OUT. Joelie was only 6 months when I got pregnant again. Do you know what 6+9 is? 15, that's it. They will be 15 months apart. "Irish Twins" as my brother calls them. My body was finally getting back to normal and here we go again. Ah well, I guess my body will never really be the same anyway.

The funniest thing about it all is how absolutely, jaw-dropping, shocked everyone else was when we shared the news. No one knew how to react. Everyone wanted to ask if it was an accident and only a bold few could muster out the question (not including family, they know no bounds :) ) No, we didn't plan this. But just because it wasn't in our plan doesn't mean he/she isn't planned. The Lord knows what He's doing and we're just along for the ride.

As far as the actual pregnancy goes - IT FREAKIN ROCKS!!! Last time, I puked at least once a day for 10 weeks straight (sometimes twice) and this time I have only puked 5 times total. Honestly, until this week, I would often forget I was pregnant. If you're currently pregnant and are having sickness, you probably want to reach through your screen and punch me in the throat. I understand. Just think- maybe your next one will be easier! (ha, yeah I know, that wouldn't have made me feel better either) Anyway, last time around I had to start using a rubberband at 10 weeks to hold my pants together. I'm 18 weeks today and am just now having trouble fitting into my clothes. JACKPOT. I don't know why this pregnancy is night-and-day different from my first, and I don't care - it rocks!

I'll be honest, no part of me wants to go back to nighttime feedings or go through labor or pay those hospital bills again. In fact, I'm already dreading having to stay overnight in the hospital with Joelie at home. But, I am excited that they'll be close together and have a playmate when they're a little older. I'm also excited I haven't gotten out of the diaper stage because, man, it would be hard to go back. It's also a lot easier to be excited for this baby because I know what's coming. I know what to expect in the hospital, I know what it's like for your baby to smile at you for the first time, I know what it's like when your kid's face lights up when you come in the room, and of course, much less puking makes me excited. The beginning is going to be hard and I'll be exhausted, but that's ok, because I'm a mom now and I know it's worth it...

Stats:
*Baking Time: 18 Weeks
*MIA: Energy
*Cravings: Panera's Cinnamon Crunch Bagels
*Aversions: Can't think of one.
*Worst symptom: Getting out of breath carrying two babies upstairs (Joelie & #2)

*Lessons Learned: Not every pregnancy is the same. PTL.

6 Month Reflection

Joelie turned 6 months old at 10:49 a.m. yesterday morning. In honor of her half birthday, I've compiled a list of "You Know You're A Mom Of A Baby When..." moments that reflect the last six months.

-you’ve been peed on multiple times

-picking someone else’s nose is a normal part of your life.

-you sleep through a thunderstorm but jerk awake if your child sighs in their sleep

-you regularly sniff someone else's butt

-everyday life reminds you of a dr. seuss rhyme

-you have spit up in your hair

-you have spit up on your shirt

-you have spit up in your bra

-you realize you have spit up in these places and go out anyway because you just don’t care.

-your baby starts to throw up and you hold out your hands

-the question “what kind of poop was it” is your dinner conversation with your husband

-taking a shower becomes a sacred haven where you only have to be concerned with yourself for 15 minutes.

-you keep a toothbrush at your kitchen sink solely to scrub poop out of onesies

-you have literally cut your baby out of a onesie because it was just too poopy to try and take off over their head

-you feel like the laundry never ends

-you encourage belching and farting

-when you get 4 hours of consecutive sleep you feel like a new woman

-so much more about your own parents makes sense

-you’ve nursed on the toilet because you couldn’t hold it any longer

-you double diaper your child at night because they don’t make “over night” diapers small enough

-your child has exposed your cleavage in public when they pull down your shirt while being held

-you open your soda can in the garage just so you won’t wake the baby

-you blow your nose in the garage just so you won’t wake the baby

-you talk on the phone in the garage just so you won’t wake the baby

-you meet delivery men outside so they won’t ring the doorbell during naptime

-you make the most ridiculous faces and sounds just to get your baby to smile

-when a baby is crying in public and it’s not yours, you let out a sigh of relief

-you are excited to get the mail because that means you get to go outside
-your baby looks at you funny when your hair is down because she only ever sees it pulled back.
-your baby determines what you eat, when you eat, and how you eat

-your entire day revolves around feeding schedules and naptimes

-you don’t care if your child’s outfit matches, as long as it keeps them warm/cool
-you feel like you always have dry slobber on your face, arms, neck, and hands

-you wish you could pause time

-you can't believe you carried and birthed another human being

-you have the scar to prove it
-your baby's smile makes even the worst of days better
-your baby's giggle is one of the sweetest sounds you've ever heard

-you wouldn’t trade being a mom for anything....

Stats:
*Baby's Age: 6 Months

*Baby's Weight: 16 lbs, 14 oz

*Coolest Thing: Watching her learn
*Funniest Thing: She falls over when she tries to sit up

*Hardest Thing: She's growing up too fast

*Lessons Learned: My parents really always did have my best interest at heart.